I Kissed Dating Goodbye Summary & Key Insights

Joshua Harris's "I Kissed Dating Goodbye," published in 1997, became a significant cultural phenomenon within evangelical Christian circles. The book's central premise revolves around Harris's personal conviction that dating, as commonly practiced, is detrimental to developing healthy, God-honoring relationships and ultimately preparing for marriage. The "plot," if one can call it that, is essentially a narrative of Harris's own journey toward this belief and his subsequent advocacy for an alternative approach.

The main "character" is Harris himself, though presented through personal anecdotes and reflections rather than as a fully developed fictional character. He recounts his experiences with dating, highlighting the pitfalls he perceived: emotional entanglement, compromised purity, and a focus on romantic feelings that overshadowed spiritual maturity. He uses these experiences to support his argument against dating as a process for finding a spouse. Other characters are less prominent, existing primarily as illustrative examples within his personal stories or as figures representing the ideals he promotes.

The overarching theme is the importance of prioritizing spiritual growth and submission to God's will in the pursuit of a marriage partner. Harris argues that dating creates an environment ripe for distraction from this goal, promoting emotional investment before true compatibility and spiritual alignment have been established. Instead, he advocates for a courtship model focused on building community within a church setting, where potential partners can be evaluated through their character, faith, and commitment to Christian values. This involves intentional friendships built within a group setting, minimizing the isolated, potentially emotionally charged dynamics of typical dating.

Key arguments within the book include the necessity of prioritizing purity before marriage, emphasizing the importance of guarding one's heart and avoiding physical intimacy outside of marriage. Harris contends that dating often pressures individuals into physical intimacy prematurely, compromising their commitment to chastity. He also stresses the importance of parental involvement and seeking godly counsel in navigating relationships. Courtship, in his view, allows for a more deliberate and prayerful approach to choosing a spouse, minimizing the impulsive decisions common in dating.

The book is not without its criticisms. Some argue that it provides an overly simplistic and potentially isolating view of relationships, discouraging healthy social interaction and potentially leading to missed opportunities. Others question the practicality and cultural applicability of Harris's courtship model in diverse contexts. However, the book undeniably impacted a generation of evangelical Christians, influencing their views on dating, courtship, and the pursuit of a biblically-based marriage. Regardless of one's opinion of its recommendations, the book remains a significant text in understanding the evangelical landscape of the late 1990s and early 2000s.